My Fair Share
by Rogue Vader
Summary: Pretty short oneshot in which Kate reflects on mistakes and messes. Spoilers through I Do of Season 3. Light JATE undertones.


**Disclaimer: **Lost belongs to ABC, Damon, JJ, Bad Robot, Disney, and probably others. However, those others do not include me.

**Author's Note: **This is a one-shot of Kate reflecting on sleeping with Sawyer. While I was watching "I Do" I was shocked and really, really peeved – I had to close my eyes and mute the sound during the skex. But after a few hours of reflection, and watching the last scene over and over, I have reached a point of zen-like calm. I have to admit that not only did I like the episode because of the glimpses it gave us into Kate's psyche, but I have more faith in Jate than ever and look forward to the journey that's ahead of us. I know it's going to be bumpy but I also know that Jack and Kate's love for each other, and their resolve to be with one another, will only be stronger because of this. Sorry if there are any typos!

**My Fair Share**

I've made my fair share of mistakes. It's no secret and, to people who really know me, no surprise. Even when my intentions are good, I somehow manage to make a mess.

Years ago, before my mistakes became so big I couldn't take them back, Tom told me I did it on purpose. He didn't say it to hurt or accuse, just to let me know. I didn't believe him, lashed out at him when he tried to explain. I didn't want to hear then that anything was my fault. I told him he didn't understand, that he wasn't trying to. Now I can admit there was truth in his words and that he was only trying to help me and make me see. But I wouldn't listen. And I know that when it came down to that moment, the one where he and I could be together or not, it was my mistakes, my messes, that drove us apart.

Some messes are easy to clean up. All it takes is one swipe with the Brawny and it's gone, forgotten and overlooked like it had never been. Some messes have to fade. Sometimes they go away completely, sometimes they leave stains you can't see with a casual glance. But they always linger and, when the light hits just right, you can see them and remember. Other messes, the big ones, never go away. They don't fade or blend into the background and they can't be ignored, no matter how much you might pretend, wish, they aren't there. Those messes change everything. You turn onto a darkened road and realize you have no idea where you are or how to get back home again. The landscape has changed and there is no map or compass to guide your way.

I've left my fair share of big messes behind. For my mother, for Kevin, for Tom and his family. They were left to pick up the pieces, to struggle through the pain I'd given. I hadn't meant to hurt them, but my grief and remorse will never heal their pain.

The whole time I've been here, on this island, I've tried to atone for the mistakes I made before. But not just to earn forgiveness, I know there are some things that can never be forgiven. I wanted a second chance, a way to start again and this time try to do good. To make up for the bad and prove at least to myself that I was worth something, that I deserved something.

For a time, most times anyway, I succeeded. I wasn't perfect, but I didn't sabotage everyone I came into contact with either. And I was beginning to believe that, just maybe, I could have the things I wanted without hurting anyone, disappointing anyone, or making a mess. But then the Others happened and once again I'm standing without a compass.

I care for Sawyer, I do, but I don't love him. Some part of me wishes I could give him my heart because then this would be so much easier. But I don't and now I've slept with him and everything is changed. I'm standing in a place I don't recognize and I don't know how to make it better. But I did do this and now I have to deal with it, something I didn't do much before the crash. I don't want to hurt Sawyer or lose his friendship, so maybe I should give it a shot, whatever it is. But I don't want to lie to him either.

And then there's Jack. From the moment I saw him, kneeling on the beach bleeding and asking for my help, I've been drawn to him. While I stitched his back I was overcome with a feeling that went beyond words, a feeling that I was wasn't meeting him but recognizing him. And I've run toward him and away from him ever since, sometimes both at once. I care for him so much the emotion is laced with a fear I don't know I'll ever be able to banish. The fear that whispers he's too good for me, that if I try to get too close, if I let him get too close, there will only be pain.

But it's already too late, the pain has come swift and sure. I've slept with Sawyer and Jack's still with the Others and everything has changed. We will get him, I've told Sayid in no uncertain terms that we will hunt for Jack until we find him. And I don't care how long it takes, I will not rest until he is back on this beach, in his old tent.

But then what? A mess is looming and I don't know where to begin, or if I even have the right to clean it up. And as much as I want Jack safe, as much as I need him safe, I'm terrified of seeing him because everything will be so much more real.

Sometimes you make a mistake on purpose. You want to hurt someone, or teach them a lesson but the end isn't what you expected, or what you really wanted. Sometimes you mess up trying to do what's right, trying to make a difference. But good intentions don't stop people from being hurt. And sometimes you mess up without trying to do anything at all. The mistake is made and you have no idea why, but it's done and there's nothing you can do but lie to yourself or own up.

I've made my fair share of mistakes and caused my fair share of pain. I know there's more on the horizon, but this time I want to own up. To own up and hope against all hope that the mess won't last forever and that this time, for maybe the first time, I'll deserve my fair share of happiness.


End file.
